More emails, from Russia.
Did I ever tell you I hate checking my emails? Especially the fan mails I get.
OH GOD, THE FAN MAILS.
I don't know about you, but I don't see why so many people have to start "fan-gasm"-ing over something they really like. So I wrote a good story, and the characters were semi-realistic instead of all-out Mary Sues. Big. Fucking. Deal.
So I actually provided a stable mental image of Samuel Carter or Grey Samuelson. Whoop-dee-doo.
Why am I getting so much god damn fan mail?
Because they want more.
I've compiled a small list of the fan mails, whether useful or not, so you can see the horrors I have to put up with.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Dear Jason,
I totally, totally, TOTALLY love you work!
Some Hot Chick from Florida"
Wow. I didn't know I had fans in Florida.
"What happened in that one chapter of that one story where the one guy shot the other guy over the table? Or maybe it was a chair?"
Well, you know, if you could clarify which story you're referring to better, I MIGHT be able to answer the question!
"yo yo, b-dog jay-z"
Forget it, Tupac. I don't answer emails from anybody who acts like a gangbanger or a rapper.
"You made a mistake in chapter twelve of Battle Vendetta. I'm pretty sure it's impossible to jump down from a ten-foot-tall building and not hurt yourself."
Then obviously you don't know the many trained soldiers in real life who have to do that sometimes.
"Could you PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSE EEEEEEEEEE make another Grey Samuelson story?! I really like them!!!!1!!111!!!!"
God damn, that's the longest "please" I've ever seen! I might need to take your question into consideration...
"Grey is soooo hot! I totally want him under my sheets!"
Oh, oh god, ohgodwhy,whydidIhavetoreadthisemail-! *Hurls in the corner*
"Seriously, Grey seems like he'd have a nice big one! If you see him, tell him a sexy babe's looking for fun!"
*Crying while hurling* Somebody! Somebody! Please, get me a bucket! I can't hold it much longer- *Massive hurl* ...Aw, now the carpet's all sticky...
"Total smex!"
...Oh god... Not again... *Hurls* ...Hey, I didn't even eat carrots! *Hurls*
"You and I could make masterpieces together. How'd you like to consider writing a book with me?
-Jack *Last name deleted for privacy*"
Sorry, Jack, but I work alone. *God DAMN, that sounds like a James Bond saying.*
"Hey there, cutie. How'd you like some-"
Hell no. I already have a girlfriend, and she would KICK MY ASS.
"Are you getting laughed at by girls?"
No, and I sure as fuck don't want your pills.
"Hey what was that one part about in Red Morning where Jason's all like, shooting that one dude in the face while laughing like a maniac, and Bartz was all like, "You're fucked up, man!"
Oh, that? Well, Matroya's a bit of a bullet-junkie. Bartz is too laid back to give a damn anymore. Ever since boot camp, Matroya's had a nervous tick around whips and guns, but not so much guns as whips, because one of the training stages in the boot camp was nailing you to a wall and whipping you the better part of at least one hundred times, or until you cried mercy.
"Hey, are you that one guy with that one book?"
Nah, you're thinking of that other guy with that other book.
"Yo, J-Z, how it do?"
Z, if you emailed me for the express purpose of pissing me off because you KNOW I hate gangbangers, then you have done your job quite well.
"OMGomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg, I TOTALLY LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!"
Shoot me. Now.
"I totally want to see more of your work!"
Good to know, because I intend to continue my author career for until such time I see fit to actually get a job.
"Got a few things I want you to check out, Jason, I think they might make good stories:
1. A teenager who wakes up in the midst of a battle-torn city and is forced to fight his way out, killing soldiers from both sides and stealing weapons along the way
2. A young girl who has seen the horrors of combat and tries to put an end to it the only way she knows how... by killing everything"
Number one sounds like Sylose, a story I wrote about a kid who wakes up in a battle-torn city that has fallen under the siege of nuclear warfare and has to fight his way off the dead planet he once called home. And number 2 sounds like something I did while playing F.E.A.R.
"How many fan mails do you get a day?"
Too many, but still not enough to impress the really popular authors, thankfully.
"Can you make guns?"
Only in my wildest dreams.
"You totally rock! Your name should be in video games!"
As what? "Jason Haley, the Psycho Killer of Amistad Street"? Sorry, but my name has cropped up in one too many Friday The 13th movies. Remember? Jason, the hockey mask dude with the machete?
And let's not forget Freddy Vs. Jason.
"Darling, shall we dance?"
Marina! I told you not to email me when I'm answering fan mails! (But yeah, let's delay that dance for later.)
"How do you handle answering fan mails so much? I would've gone insane!"
Same as how people handle sending me fan mails, knowing my asshole-ish reply that is soon to come.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
So there you go. This is only a small fraction of what I am forced to endure during my day when I actually check the four dark corners of my inbox. I hope you're happy. Cause I'm not.
Ugh... I feel another hurl coming on from that one fan mail, I'ma end this here... see ya- DAMN IT!
*Hurls*
