00:00
00:00
View Profile JHaley
Name's Jason Haley. I'm an author, so don't expect a lot of drawing art out of me. I can't draw worth my life. I do, however, enjoy playing games online or offline. Favorites would be: shooters, racing, and maybe some RPGs on the side.

Jason Haley @JHaley

Age 34, Male

Author, smart-*ss

What school? I'm out of it.

Somewhere. I won't say.

Joined on 7/22/09

Level:
5
Exp Points:
220 / 280
Exp Rank:
> 100,000
Vote Power:
4.28 votes
Rank:
Civilian
Global Rank:
> 100,000
Blams:
11
Saves:
8
B/P Bonus:
0%
Whistle:
Normal
Medals:
339

First Email from Russia, Subject: Hardcore Games

Posted by JHaley - August 8th, 2009


Well, I'm here in Russia. Specifically, I'm not exactly close to Moscow, but I am staying in another city that starts with "M".

I got a bit beat up when I got here by some Russian hoodlums. They told me I looked like I needed it. I probably did. So I'm sitting here with a black eye and a bloody lip. That's about all they did to me. Oh yeah, and my stomach hurts a bit. Thank god that my dad was a Spetznas soldier and gave me exclusive training to not feel it as much, though. I still feel it, but it doesn't hurt me as bad. That's the beauty of a Spetznas.

Anyhow, I decided to check in on my inbox to see if anybody knows I'm here. My idiots friends all sent me emails asking how my trip to Jamaica was, to which I answered I'd already left, and I exclusively insulted each of them.

Then I got this email, coming from my apartment in Mirny, Russia, home of the world's largest diamond mine:

"Dear Jason,

Why do you enjoy violent games like Halo, Left 4 Dead, or Grand Theft Auto? I mean, I certainly don't mind them now and then, but I'm afraid it'll induce feelings of murderous intent."

If you even have to ASK why I like violent games, your an idiot.

For one thing, it's one of the only ways anybody can get the thrill of holding a weapon and beating the opponent shitless. How many times in a normal day do you get to do this kind of thing? If you like fighting, maybe ten times or something thereabouts, but even hardcore fighters can only take so much of a beating.

How many times can you do it without getting arrested? Only when the guy decides it'd be pointless to put you in an environment suited completely to your liking. Jail is basically just one big fucking death match arena, with the exception of the Cops coming and putting a stop to it when it happens. So, the answer to that question, ultimately, is none to one or two times.

Violent games only induce adrenaline and the striking desire to hose down anybody and everybody in your way with the most kickass weapon you can think of. Those who want to really prove their mettle go for the weakest weapon. Those who are melee junkies take a non-projectile weapon. Those who like the good stuff and don't care if they're called pansies for hiding behind a minigun take the biggest, baddest, most deadly, heaviest, and most joy-inducing weapon they can find. If at any time they feel like truly murdering somebody in real life, well, then they're probably insane. Or they're part of the mafia, the Yakuza, some other country-related gang, or maybe they just want some blood to spill(gangbangers).

And to be fair, Halo isn't really as hardcore an action game as people think. You're in a suit of armor, it gives you a regenerating shield, and your weapons don't even shed that much blood when fired. They look like they came out of that old Starship Troopers movie. And Grand Theft Auto is a game completely obsessed with jacking a car, driving it around, beating a few people up, shooting a few people, maybe a bird, and it's generally just everyday crime spree. Left 4 Dead is respectable, but the chances of a zombie apocalypse are nil, and it's very likely that if you are one of four people to survive the mess, you won't last very long. Certainly not long enough to find a weapon to defend yourself with, if that's what you mean. Unless you LIKE cold-cocking a highly-contaminated and possibly deadly zombie filled to the core with a contagious disease that could easily turn you into one of him.

No, games that I find hardcore would be any game from the Mortal Kombat series, excluding MK vs. DC, which wasn't even that fun. Mortal Kombat allows you to tear the spine out of your opponent one vertebrae at a time, or you can split their heads and remove their skulls, or you could even roast them to a fine crisp. In MK vs. DC, you can shove their heads into the ground. That's about it. Maybe break their spine from the waist up, or impale them with poker cards, but nothing spectacular.

More on the list of badass hardcore violence games would be:

Dark Sector. You get infected, and then you're sent around Quarantined Moscow, Russia, spliting hazard-suited soldiers in half at the waist, cutting off arms, legs, and heads, fighting zombified-Russian citizens who enjoy chowing down on their haz-mat buddies, and you eventually encounter a boss made up entirely of tentacles and slimy shit. Then you kill him by stabbing him through the brain with an electrocuted throwing star that looks like it was made by the Grim Reaper. Need more proof than that? Here it is: Your ex girlfriend or whatever gouges out your partner's eyes while you watch from the safety of a security camera room. Then you kill your boss at the end of the game with a serum that was SUPPOSED to help suppress the infection that you got, followed up by cock-blocking your former comrades of the U.S. military. Oh yeah, and you get to drive a spider tank thing while getting shot to shit by hundreds of Russian soldiers.

And then, there's the Call of Duty series. Set mainly in World War 2, you are a common soldier tasked with infiltrating and disposing of the enemy Fritz while staying alive. You have to deal with machine gunners, grenade chucking assholes, melee freaks, tanks, planes, snipers, company gunners, mobs, commanders, and so on, and you only have about two hundred bullets, three grenades, and a stolen German Gewher 43 rifle, if you even picked one up off the dead, decapitated corpse filled with lead. The variety of weapons ranges from a simple pistol to a fuck-off machine gun turret to a head-splitting sniper rifle to a tank-destroying rocket launcher to a mob-killing, room clearing, enemy liquefying fragmentation grenade. All the while, you're running through minefields, barbed wire, mud, the blood of your comrades, fallen soldiers and rotting animal corpses... Yeah. It's pretty hardcore.

And let's not be so quick to discard the Rainbow Six guys. Tom Clancy really outdid himself, and you find yourself in the armored combat boots of a special anti-terrorist unit equipped with the finest weaponry and armor, backed completely by the highest powers within the government, funded straight from the treasury itself(probably), and sent into hostile situations to be handled alone with only backup from the highest of military authorities and intelligence. You're an elite above elites, and your mission: KILL. ALL. TERRORISTS. There's gun fire out your ass, grenades flying, windows shattering, people screaming, orders being shouted over gun fire, hordes of terrorists rushing at you with red in their eyes, hostages crying out to be saved, and you and your small team of special ops. soldiers are supposed to bring a peaceful medium to all of it. You can dress up as an everyday street hoodlum with simple weapons, or you can bust in completely armored from the head down in the strongest gear available with the strongest guns available and the best explosives available. Need more proof? Sorry, I can't find any reason why it WOULDN'T be awesome.

And finally, to complete my rather short list of badass games I enjoy... How about some computer games? The Thing-Thing series has my vote. You get a myriad of weapons used to turn enemies into giblets, split heads into pieces, expose the inner workings of the human body by way of mutilation, and after a while, you'll notice that there's so much blood on the walls that they've turned COMPLETELY FUCKING BLACK. If you stay alive long enough to actually matter to anybody, you can rack up the body count from five to one hundred to a thousand to maybe a million. That is, if you live long enough.

So, there's your answer, and some clarification as to which games I consider hardcore. To anybody who doesn't agree: Fine, believe what you want, but if you say I should like your games because they're better than mine, YOU CAN GO SUCK ON A SHOTTY. I hope it discharges into your fat head. Ain't NEVER gonna' convert ME.

Well, there you have it. My first email answered with a suitable response, coming from Mirny, Russia. Until next time, see ya!

First Email from Russia, Subject: Hardcore Games


Comments

Comments ain't a thing here.